how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
