Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He called his prostate his "boner button".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
