how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
