I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
