Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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