Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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