I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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