There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just cropdusted the office
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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