Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
