I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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