i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
