fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
