there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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