You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
