I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
