textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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