ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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