apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
