I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
