I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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