Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He passed out mid-signature
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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