mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
