My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
