i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
