i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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