saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
