I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I am spending my child support on dildos
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
