I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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