I want to have your abortion
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
