Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
