Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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