I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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