life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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