How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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