you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
