So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
