I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
