he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
