so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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