I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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