i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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