Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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