i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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