first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
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I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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