what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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