I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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