I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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