you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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