hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dicks are not precious.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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