Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
