I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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