he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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