i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
