I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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