I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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