all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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