I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
